Winsted Woods, the aftermath.

The day was Sunday, September 10th, 2006. The event was my first Expert/Cat 1 race. The venue was The Horror at Harding Hill. I didn't win. Since then I have gone on to not win 28 other Expert/Cat 1 races. I have won exactly 1, it was three days ago, and it ended my heroic losing streak.

Spend a little time with a calculator and you'll discover that my winning percentage is a whopping 3%. With stats as impressive as these, it's only a matter of time before ugly words like "sandbagger" and "upgrade" start getting thrown around. Personally, I think words such as these should only be uttered by Cat 3 dudes to explain their mid-pack finishes, but nonetheless, I must defend my honor.

Let's go through the pros and cons of upgrading to pro.

Con.

1) You're not winning another race for at least 5 years.

2) You are now racing to not be DFL in local races, and not to get lapped in national races.

3) You have to explain to all your friends that pro doesn't mean you get paychecks, or bikes, or anything other than your ass kicked.

4) That full body pain you always get on your last lap? Now it's going to last twice as long because you have to do two last laps now.

5) Dudes won't blog about how fast you are anymore. There should probably be links in that last sentence. Give it time internet, I'm new here.

6) Doping tests. No more sitting around with the old college buddies, passing around the double chamber blood centrifuge.

7) Pros have to shave their legs. This is a significant commitment. I can't even keep up on my facial shaving. And my girlfriend already told me I can't go near her razor, meaning I have to buy a lady's razor, at a public marketplace.

8)Instead of just the super fast older guys flying by you, now every superfast dude will be flying past you, geared and singlespeed, regardless of their age.

9) Those few guys that you can never beat in the Cat 1 races? They're going to think you're a retard when they see you lined up with the big guns. You will feel silly when they pass you.

10) When you get smoked at a cyclocross race, you're not only disgracing yourself, but the entire sport of mountain bicycling. I can hear it now, some roadie that just out sprinted you for 37th place in the B race: "What!?! That guy's a pro mountain biker? Wow, mountain biking is hurting."

Pro.

1) Dude, fucking pro. What's more pro than pro? You'd have a license that says you're pro, therefore making everything you do and say the essence of pro.

Showing up to the race late? That's pro now. Going over the bars? pro. No warmup? Forget your chamois cream? pro. No toilet paper in the portapotty, and you only have your race number? PRO.

Looking over this list, why wouldn't I upgrade? Look at that one pro, sitting there looking so pro.

Problem is there is a race this weekend. My history at this race is less than stellar. 10 of 20 in 2007, 14 of 17 in 2008 (flatted, ran the last 1.5 miles). Those results aren't pro. They're damn near Cat 2. Plus, we're talking about this coming weekend, and I don't want to feel hurried with this whole upgrade thing. There is over a month without a Root 66 race after this weekend. Now that sounds like the perfect time to compose a little love letter to USA Cycling asking them if it would be alright if I sent them more money. Then I can dip my toe in the pro pool in the form of an Elite EFTA race or two, and be ready to get my legs torn off at West Hill come the end of June.

So it's settled. Victory lap this weekend, then it's in the hands of USA Cycling.